The time my chronic pain ruined my weekend
(As if it's only ruined one...) š
Sometimes, even I need to ventā¦
I canāt move my neck more than about 30 degrees to the left without horrible pain. Itās been this way since last Friday. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday in bed because of the pain. It felt a little bit better yesterdayā¦ and maybe in another three or four days it might start going back to normal.
But even then, my whole body will still hurt pretty consistently.
I might even have another flareup somewhere else while Iām waiting for this one to come down. Itās been a few weeks since Iāve had really bad back pain, so maybe Iām due. Or maybe itāll show up in my thighsā¦ or my forearmsā¦ or my sidesā¦
I donāt think thereās a part of my body that doesnāt flareup, now and then.
It used to be worse. Used to be, the pain would come on and it wouldnāt let go.
I can remember years when I was in such constant pain, Iād cry just walking through the house.
I remember going to bed at night, pleading with God to take my pain awayā¦ only to wake up the next morning and find that it had gotten worse while I was sleepingā¦
I remember canceling trips, and missing shows Iād bought tickets for, because the pain was so severe I didnāt wanna get out of bed. (Iām debating whether I should say āI couldnātā get out of bed, because I donāt really like giving weight to my limitations, butā¦ if Iām completely honest, I canceled those outings because I couldnāt cope with my painā¦)
I used to wonder if maybe I was doing something to bring the pain on? Like maybe it was the way I move my body, or the foods I eat, or not getting enough exercise, or not letting go of stress and tension. I used to think I was making it worse, somehow, and I didnāt really like telling myself that I was making the pain happenā¦ but somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I wanted to believe that if I was somehow making it worse, that must mean I could somehow make it better.
And Iāve tried, over the years, to make it better. God knows Iāve tried.
I quit smoking. I gave up coffee. Iām giving up soda. Iāve started walking five days a week. Iām going to therapy. I practice mindfulness. I drink water. I pray every morning. I sing along to the radio. I think positive thoughts.
I tell myself ridiculous mantras like āI choose to be happy.ā (Which, just so you know, donāt really change anything when youāre three days into a five day pain flareup thatās interfering with your ability to enjoy anything.)
Iāve tried all the things and Iāve thunk all the thoughts and Iāve felt all the feelsā¦
And every once in a while, I get a few days or a week where Iām almost pain free, and I start to think itās finally getting better, and maybe itās gonna go away for good!
And I get really hopeful that Iāve finally stumbled upon the cureā¦
And then I have another flareup, and Iām reminded once again that fibromyalgia doesnāt go away.
And I just get angry.
I can usually handle it. Iāve been dealing it with since 2008, after all, so Iāve got lots of experience. But I still hate it, every time it interferes with my ability to just live a normal life.
Iāve been in pain for so long, all I want anymore is to just be normal.
I donāt want my joints and my muscles to hurt. I donāt want to fatigue so quickly. I donāt want to be tired all the time. I donāt want to say no to going out because I know if I say yes, Iāll wear myself out and itāll take me three days to recover.
I donāt want the extra dose of insight, or wisdom, or empathy, or compassion, or patience, that come with living with chronic pain.
I donāt want people to look at me and think, āit doesnāt look like thereās anything wrong with him.ā
I donāt want people to tell me I just need to try this thing they saw on the Internetā¦ or just go to the gymā¦ or just release all my traumaā¦ or just have more faith.
I donāt think people know how much faith it requires to live with chronic pain every day, and not go out of your mind.
I donāt mean to sound ungratefulā¦ but Iām tired of literally living a life of pain and having people tell me if I just tried a little harder, itāll all work itself out.
But I canāt just give in to the pain, either. I canāt quit living, just because it hurts, and itās hard, and it makes me too weak and tired to do all the things that normal people can do.
Iāve tried living that way (if you can call it living).
I just wish that I could find the balance between never wanting to do anything because Iām afraid itāll wear me out, and pushing myself beyond my bodyās limits, trying to do everything and making myself wear out and not be able to do anything, after all.
I donāt even know if this all makes senseā¦ or if itās worth sharing with you or if it just makes me sound angry, or depressedā¦ I donāt know why Iām choosing to be a Debbie Downer (no offense to Debbies).
Iām just tired, and Iām in a lot of pain, and Iām frustratedā¦ and I guess, I want you to know that even us cool cats who put our lives on the Internet to (hopefully) encourage and inspire other peopleā¦
Even we have bad days and let our emotions get the better of us, sometimesā¦
So, I guess, if youāre having a bad dayā¦ and you feel like you need to have a pity party in order to get it all out of your system and start to feel betterā¦
Maybe thatās okay.
Like, for sure, Iām not going to criticizeā¦
I donāt like being negative, any more than you doā¦ but I think if weāre honest with each otherā¦ sometimes, you just have to be, ya know? Like, just for a minute, at least. Sometimes, itās the only way to let it all go, and get it all out, and start moving forward again.
And sometimes, no matter how hard we try, life does just kinda suck for a while. And maybe we need to remember that thatās okay, and that it happens to all of us, and it doesnāt mean anything except that, sometimes, things just suck.
Itās not a reflection of you, or your moral character, or your life choices, or anything. Itās justā¦ sometimesā¦ things just suck.
And I think itās okay to be okay with that, and to just let it suck, when it has to. Maybe if weāre just patient with ourselves, and our circumstances, thingsāll turn around and they will get better again. And maybe sometimes, thatās all thatās required of us, is just to wait.