The time I picked a fight with my best friend
...which fortunately got resolved and now we're tighter than ever! But I was scared for a minute, not gonna lie.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” I texted her. “And I’m gonna stay mad at you until you do.”
Which, I knew I was completely justified… but still…
Probably not the best way to work my problems out…
I haven’t fought with anybody in a long time though, so in my defense, I really didn’t know how to do it.
And I was mad! Which is also very rare.
But she was holding out on me! And I don’t even know why, but I could not let that go.
Normally, I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Whatever bothered me, I would bottle it up and pretend like everything was fine, and like I must’ve just misunderstood or something, and just leave it alone.
I hate confrontation — plus, my insecurities make me always think if I even disagree with somebody (let alone fight them), they’re gonna automatically decide they don’t like me anymore, and that’ll be that.
And, I try to be the kind of person where I don’t let the small stuff even bother me…
But this time, I was furious.
I knew if we didn’t get this resolved, I would stay mad, and I would eventually shut down, and possibly wind up ruining our friendship. Or at least, that’s what I was afraid of.
I knew if I stayed mad, it would just fester. I would start to resent my friend. It would change how I interact with her, and how I view her as a person.
It would put up walls between us. And I’m trying hard these days to tear all my walls down! So why would I want to put up new ones?
So that was the thought that basically made me double down on my anger, and tell my friend very vehemently, “No, you’re not understanding — we are in a fight!”
Which seemed really harsh. Especially for someone like me.
But I had to get my hurt feelings out.
And I didn’t know any other way.
Eventually, I calmed down and we were able to talk things out like two mature, responsible adults. But I’m not gonna lie; it took me a long time.
Ever since my world fell apart, some 16 years ago, I’ve struggled with any emotional response, but especially anger. I don’t like to feel angry. I don’t want to think of myself as an angry person.
But I had to have that fight. I had to make my feelings known. I didn’t know what my friend was withholding, but I knew it was bothering me and I knew I had to tell her, or things would get worse.
Hear me out…
I’ve had this friend for a couple years now, and I genuinely care about her and about our friendship. So much so, that I don’t want anything to ever come between us.
And, I guess, I feel like anger is (or can be) a wedge between friends, that if left unattended, can rip the friendship apart.
And I love my friend more than I love “keeping the peace” or any of that nonsense.
So, even though it was difficult for me… and even though I was terrified that I was gonna blow up our friendship by purposely picking a fight!
I had to do it.
I value friendship more than I value avoiding something that’s terrifying and difficult and uncomfortable and that feels like it might make things worse (but thankfully, actually made our friendship stronger).
And that’s the part I don’t get, yet: fighting with friends (when necessary) actually builds a healthier bond than just letting everything slide. I don’t know why that’s the case but, I’m glad that it is.
Heck, I’m glad that I have friends who I care about enough, to pick a fight with. I haven’t had friends like that for a long, long time.
Now that I do, I don’t feel nearly so alone anymore.