I want to help you move forward

I don't know how, or where, or when... but I know I REALLY want to help, in any way I can.

I have ten hours until this newsletter goes out, and I’m just now sitting down to write it. I’m having a panic attack, trying to figure out what to write about.

Nothing big has happened this week.

At least, nothing is coming to mind, now that I’ve finally sat down at my laptop to try to write something worthwhile.

I don’t even know what to title today’s newsletter. (I’ll figure that out in a minute, though, once I’m done writing…)

I think I actually feel… lost… uncertain… and like I don’t have anything worth sharing this week.

I don’t like this feeling. It makes me feel stupid, if I’m honest with you.

I feel like I should be writing something really deep and thought-provoking… and instead, I’m sitting here, staring at the screen… my mind completely blank… feeling like I wanna cry… scared to death that I’ve run out of ideas, and I don’t have anything more to say…

And I just want to disappear — or maybe go hide for a minute. Or somehow just pause life until I can figure out what I’m going to share this week.

I hate feeling this way. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and almost childlike.

My brain feels heavy. My eyes hurt, and I can feel my neck and shoulders tense up. I’m holding my breath, and it’s like my fingers are frozen above the keys… wanting to type but not knowing what to say…

I legit wanna cry.

I feel paralyzed.

I keep trying to think of anything that’s happened in the last week, that I can talk about, that I can pull some kind of lesson or insight or something… and all that comes up is memories of times that were sad, or difficult, or scary… and it’s like my mind is swimming in all these fragments…

And I don’t think there’s anything good in all of this but I guess, if this is what I’m writing, then maybe this is what I’m supposed to be writing, this week…

I don’t understand why, but maybe somebody needs to read what I’m laying down, so they can find the clues that will help answer their question? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just saying that so I won’t feel bad about writing pure nonsense and trying to pass it off as a newsletter?

Either way, this goes out now in… nine and a half hours… and either it’ll help somebody, or y’all will read it and be like, “What the heck, dude? Snap out of it!” I guess that part is out of my control, though. All I can do is trust my gut, write what I feel like I’m supposed to write, and let you, the reader, determine whether or not I’ve written anything meaningful.

Sometimes, I don’t think I do. Sometimes (like tonight) I wanna give up, and find something else to do with my time. Sometimes I don’t think my words matter, at all.

Sometimes, when I stop and think about it, I think I’m wasting everybody’s time, and that I talk really big, but I don’t actually DO anything to back it up. And the self-doubt sets in, and I wonder how a 47-year old man can get this worked up over a newsletter…

But then I remind myself: it’s not just a newsletter…

It’s a relationship with my reader. With you.

And maybe I don’t even know you — but I sure do love you. And that love makes me want to continue building this relationship. It makes me want to keep typing, and keep sending this out, to you and to everyone else who reads it, and tell you, every week, that I love you.

That I see you.

That I believe in you.

That I want to help you.

Because whether we know it or not, you and I need each other. We can’t make it through this life alone. We need good people in our corner, people we can give and take from, people who believe in the good in others, and who aren’t afraid to get involved, and to lift people up.

You and I need to be good people. And we need to be around good people. Or else, what’s the point of any of this?

So, I guess I’m committing. Consider us officially “in a relationship” now. 😂 I’m not giving up, and I’m not backing down.

Whether I have anything “important” to say, or not, I’m gonna keep sending you this newsletter every week, until and unless you unsubscribe. Because you’re important to me.

And because I need you in my corner. Because I know, I can’t build the life I want, without letting other people help me. And I hope, when the time comes, you’ll allow me to help you.

I really, REALLY, want to help.