How I stopped worrying and learned to love my chronic pain

(Or at least accept it as something that will always be "part of me," but will never again be the biggest part.)

Last week, I twisted my neck wrong and spent five days in bed, waiting for the pain to go away and let me get back to my daily life. Yesterday, it finally started moving out of my neck, into my shoulder.

Which still really hurts — but at least now I can do stuff again.

When I get pain in my neck (which happens multiple times per year), I can’t do anything but lay in bed and wait for the pain to stop.

I can’t cook; I can’t play the piano; I can’t sit at my computer… I can’t even talk on the phone, because holding the phone up to my ear puts too much strain on my neck.

I suppose I could still video chat — or put the phone on speaker. (Sorry, babe; next time I’m in pain like this, I’ll try calling you on speaker…)

The worst part about a pain flare-up is that it feels like it’s never going to go away, no matter what you do.

And I’m so tired of having to live with this pain, never knowing when it’s going to show up, or how long it’s gonna stay. Like I said, with back or shoulder pain, at least I can still do things, even if those things hurt.

But when it gets into my neck…

I’d rather be dead than have to go through that again.

There are so many things I want to accomplish with my life, and every time I have a pain flare-up it feels like I’m being derailed…

Like I’m losing all the progress I’ve just made, and when the pain finally subsides (if it subsides!), I’ll have to start all over again from zero.

That’s what it always feels like…

And that’s what it always used to seem like…

But ever since I started playing the piano again, I’m noticing:

Setbacks like a week-long pain in my neck that keeps me in bed, unable to work, or to pursue any hobbies, or even cook a meal (thank goodness for DoorDash)…

As much as I hate these setbacks…

They don’t actually erase all the progress I’m making.

They don’t take away the knowledge I’ve gained, or the skills I’m acquiring.

They don’t make it impossible for me to achieve my goals and dreams.

They literally just set me back by a week or two… maybe longer if I let myself get really discouraged…

But they don’t stop me from moving forward.

They used to.

It used to be, years ago, all it would take for me to give up on a goal was to lose one week to a bad pain flare-up, and I would convince myself that I was doomed.

I used to really beat myself up.

But two weeks ago, I started playing the piano again… and I started making real progress for the first time in probably five years…

And then last week I got this horrible pain in my neck that kept me in bed all week long…

But you know what?

Yesterday, I sat back down at the piano.

And the progress I made, two weeks ago?

Guess what? It’s still there.

I’m not losing progress when I have these setbacks…

If anything, I’m only losing momentum.

And that’s a good thing, because momentum can be easy to get back (or so I’m told) when you’re not actively holding yourself back because “why bother when I’m just gonna end up in pain again?”

Which is kind of a valid question, when you live with chronic pain… but also, it’s kind of like saying “why bother when someday I’m just going to die?”

I mean, unless you know for a fact that you’re going to die tomorrow… the fact that you’re going to die someday is not a good enough reason to stop living today…

And really, neither is the fact that, someday in my future, I will have another pain flare-up…

I mean, it’s going to happen, whether I want it to or not.

It’s like the saying going around all the socials these days (which I’m probably about to butcher but whatever):

“Five years from now, you’ll be five years older, whether you pursue your dreams or not.”

I’m going to keep getting older.

I’m going to keep having pain flare-ups.

And one day, whether I like it or not, I am going to die.

But until that day arrives, I still have a choice. (Even in the midst of my worst flare-ups, I still have a choice.)

I can choose to let my chronic pain run my life… and I can just “give up” on all my dreams… because “my pain is going to just take them all away from me anyway…”

Or I can choose to suffer through the flare-ups… and to keep moving forward the best that I can… because I believe in the power of dreams…

And I can hate life while I’m going through the struggle…

And I can be mad, and frustrated, and discouraged, and depressed…

And I can ask “why me” and I can be angry at everybody who’s not in pain, who’s able to live a lifestyle that I wish I could have…

But when the pain has passed, and I’m ready to start moving again…

I don’t want to stay in that headspace.

I want to let go of all the painful emotions and the negative self-talk, and get back to believing in myself, in my goals and my dreams, in my work, and my writing, and my hobbies and interests…

In all the things that make life worth living.

I used to let my pain overshadow everything, and keep me from pursuing anything good because I always know that the “bad” is going to come around again, sooner or later, and ruin it all.

Maybe now, I’m ready to start building up the good, and allow my work, and my goals, and my dreams to overshadow my pain, and my fears, and my misery…

Maybe I’m ready to put good things back in my life… and let that carry me through the pain.

And maybe, the pain will still suck.

But maybe, it won’t define me anymore.

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